Question: Would you mind critiquing a song I wrote about my father?
I need some critiquing on a song I wrote. Fellow musicians/songwriters, how can I improve my song?
I have been writing songs for half a year now, but I still consider myself a beginner. All my songs are based off of life experiences. I have written a new song inspired by a part of childhood (approximately from age 11-16) and other things like my father who is a recovering alcoholic and had been in and out of prison. Would you mind helping me by telling me what you liked/what I could improve upon? The melody is a little strange. I don’t really read/write music well, but I asked my friend, Josh, who’s in a band what key this was in and he said the key of E but I don’t know if that helps much. Also, please don’t laugh at this. My friends laughed at me when I showed them this but they have no idea what it’s been like for me having to live with my father after my mother left him for another guy. So, please just read and critique.

“Pleasures are of Dandelions and Critters in the Park (My Father Always Knew)”

At the ripe young age of 11,
I asked my father, my dear sweet father who was once arrested for indecent exposure,
“Father may we go to the park?”
He said, “First my son, my sunny sunny son son, I would like to go read a book. A book.”
He said, “A cook book”
I said, “Father but you never ever ever ever cook except when company is over…and we have no company today”
He said, “I know.”

“I know.” My father always knew. The way to land himself in jail,
Or steal and read all my neighbor’s mail,
Or when it was going to hail,
Oh yes. My father always knew.

We arrived at the park around 3:24pm,
Things started going bad,
My father made me sad,
By yelling at some little boy’s mum.
He said, “You’re pretty hot!”
She said, “Oh please, sir. Oh please, sir. You must go away now. You’re scaring-
Oh yes. Oh yes, you’re scaring my son.”
But my father didn’t care. He spit in her hair.
And pushed her little son down on the ground.

He told me to run,
He said, “You are my son.”
I said, “I know.”
He said, “I know, too”

Oh yes. My father always knew. He always said the right thing.
And he took me under his wing,
And he taught me to sing,
Thank you father…Please pass, oh yes, please pass, oh yes please pass…the cookies.

And pleasures are of dandelions and critters in the park.
They make me feel alive and free, like my father on a cold Tuesday morning.
He loved to scream and shout, and build igloos in the yard. He also liked sports.
And he knew…
Oh yes, my father always knew.
My father always, he always always even in March, my father always knew.

I am sobbing now thinking about about my father in rehab. I know he’s doing well though. He sends letters all the time. This song is just a draft. I plan on singing it to him when he gets out of rehab in a few months. Please tell me what I can do to make him love it.
Thank you,
Phil

If anybody has any ideas about a possible melody for this song, I would greatly appreciate it if you made a video and then sent it to me…Bless you all.

Answer:

Answer by Sara
I think it’s really, really good! You definitely have a talent. I know how you feel, about your dad and everything. My dad went to rehab, quite a few times, and also jail, quite a few times. I had to bail him out of jail once, when I was only twelve with my big brother.
But coming from this perspective of someone who also went through father issues, I completely relate to this and I think so many others would, too. It’s awesome.
Keep up the good work.
xx Sara